Sugar-frosted Fakes
A few Doses ago, I wrote to you about the FDA's collusion with the American food industry by allowing labels on refined foods containing soy proteins and other soy byproducts claiming that they actually prevent cancer. This, despite the fact that the junk-food lobby's "evidence" is hardly conclusive, and if anything suggests that soy-based ingredients actually CAUSE cancer…
But don't get me started on that again, or we'll be here all day. Right now, I'm writing to you about another food-industry fast-one - a galling stunt that's actually getting some attention in the news: The aggressive marketing of "low sugar" or "reduced sugar" versions of popular breakfast cereals.
And as it turns out, these new formulas are no better for kids than the old versions!
That's right, these "healthier" versions of breakfast-time death-bombs like Froot Loops, Trix, and Cinnamon Toast Crunch are JUST AS FATTENING as the original, full-sugar formulas. This is the finding of a panel of experts assembled by global news giant The Associated Press. These researchers aren't a bunch of newsroom interns, either - but a group comprised of PhDs and MDs from 5 universities, including Harvard, Tufts, and Penn State.
According to a recent AP expose on the subject, the experts who reviewed the nutritional contents of both versions found that the "reduced sugar" cereals from all three major breakfast-food manufacturers had simply substituted other kinds of simple, refined carbohydrates (which your body processes as though they were raw sugar) for the sweet stuff. And in most cases, they had just as many calories overall.
Of course, these new cereals (some of which cost significantly more than the original versions) have been formulated to fill a new market niche created by the nation's increasing awareness of childhood obesity. And according to the article, it's a major marketing home run - sales of reduced sugar versions of typical morning bowl-fare grew by almost 50% last year, for a total of $375 million in junk-food makers' pockets.
Opponents of the move (mostly parents, of course) claim the cereal-makers' advertising of these products is misleading. I tend to agree. The picture accompanying the article shows a cereal box on which the "Low Sugar!" claim was in a typeface almost as large as the cereal's name.
And since a lot of these foods have soy products in them, too, I guess it won't be long before they'll have to make room for an equally large "Prevents Cancer!" burst as well.
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No pain, no cane
Ask any old-timer how to get your thumb to stop throbbing after you hit it with a hammer and they'll all tell you the same thing: Hit yourself in the head and your thumb will stop hurting instantly.
Well now there's an alternative for disease treatment from the former Communist-bloc that takes this principle a step further…
Therapeutic caning!
According to The Moscow News and other sources (the story's been picked up by a variety of news services), Russian scientists claim that frequent beatings across the buttocks with a stout cane cures everything from depression to lethargy to alcohol and drug addiction. Apparently, it's also quite effective against all manner of psychosomatic illnesses.
The reasoning behind this makes sense of a sort: The pain of caning causes the body to release large quantities of endorphins, chemicals that cause happiness, arousal, and euphoria. These chemicals can lift the spirits of those who are down in the dumps or so filled with self-pity and self-loathing that they've spiraled into addiction.
And if the endorphins don't make you better, the desire to avoid another caning might snap you out of your funk real quickly, wouldn't you say?
The Russians claim that the technique is merely a revival of an identical treatment a group of 19th-century German doctors used to great success. As twisted and humorous as this must seem to you, here's the funniest part: The "practitioners" of this therapy are getting the equivalent of $140 dollars for a standard course of treatment (30 canings).
They're either nuts or brilliant. Anyone who has figured out a way to get people to pay them good money to beat them has got a truly remarkable understanding into the human psyche, a la` P.T. Barnum…
And they deserve every penny they get.
Never sugar-coating the cane old truth,
William Campbell Douglass II, MD
