All that glitters…

Too much of a good thing

In most cases, I'd applaud any man who has the cojones to hold Big Pharma's feet to the fire-especially when it's directly responsible for messing with his manhood.

But in this latest case of man vs. pharmaceutical, I have to admit that I'm siding siding with the Big Guy. You'll understand why in just a minute. First, here's the story:

29-year-old Christopher Woods is suing Novartis AG, the maker of a high-calorie, protein-packed "nutritional" drink called Boost Plus. He's claiming that the energy drink gave him more of a "boost" than he bargained for. The morning after downing the drink, he woke up with an erection that wouldn't subside. Later that day, he went to the hospital, where he underwent surgery to, umm, soften the situation.

Over the years, I've heard more than one man say with a chuckle that he wished he had this problem. (Heck, I've even said it myself.) But the truth is, Woods' condition, called priapism, is no laughing matter. Priapism is a painful erection that lasts longer than four hours without sexual stimulation. And here's the real kicker: If the problem isn't addressed-quickly-it can leave men with PERMANENT ERECTILE DYSFUNCTION.

But to claim that the nutritional protein drink caused his priapism is nothing short of ludicrous. May as well blame his vitamins for making him ugly. You get the point: There's simply no cause and effect relationship here.

Now, if Boost Plus had been marketed as a product that could boost more than just your energy, that would be a different story. Drugs like Viagra and Levitra are known to cause this side effect. Of course, the marketing spin-doctors don't call it priapism-that would be bad for business. I'm sure you've seen the commercials, though. I think the verbiage goes something like, "in the rare occurrence of an erection lasting longer than four hours, seek immediate medical help."

My guess is that Woods' priapism has nothing to do with drinking Boost Plus. Sickle-cell anemia, drugs, trauma to the groin area-all can cause priapism to occur. But if all of these possibilities have been ruled out, there's still one more potential cause that would make priapism seem like the least of his worries (if you can believe it).

Priapism is a hallmark sign of the blood cancer leukemia. This disease causes the bone marrow to go haywire and produce too many blood cells. And, after all, those excess cells have to go somewhere, right?

None of the treatments for the condition are particularly pleasant. The least invasive one still involves injecting medicine directly into the penis (makes me a little queasy just thinking it).

But the doctors at Woods' hospital skipped that step and instead opted for the more expensive surgical procedure-they implanted a shunt that's supposed to allow the blood cells to flow more freely. Then, when that didn't work, Woods underwent another surgery that actually closed off some of his blood vessels-which lessens his chances of having any erection at all, whether it be of the desired or the undesired variety.

Talk about cause for a lawsuit! If Woods is mad at anyone, it should be at the doctors who all but ruined his chances of having a normal sex life. And whereas that might make him want to die-every additional day that the TRUE cause of his symptoms-whether it's leukemia or something else-goes undiagnosed is a day closer to having that wish granted.