"Vegans shun sex with meat-eaters"

I'll admit, when I read that headline on Fox News a few days ago, I got a good chuckle out of it, especially when I read the "why" behind this voluntary sexual exile - it's because vegans consider the bodies of meat-eaters to be "a graveyard for animals." Of all the outlandish things I've heard in my 81 years, this one's up there with the best of the best.

I don't know if this New Zealand phenomenon has extended beyond the island's borders or not, but it's widespread enough there to warrant an official name for these weirdoes. They're called vegansexuals.

One vegansexual said, "I believe we are what we consume, so I really struggle with non- vegans when it comes to sexual contact." Another said, "I would not want to be intimate with someone whose body is literally made up from the bodies of animals who have died for their sustenance."

Oh brother. I think all that processed soybean junk food has gone to their heads - and their sex organs, too. The research is in, and it's alarming: Veganism from birth causes mal development of sex organs in males. (Read The Whole Soy Story to get the scoop. You'll be astounded. You can order it from www.NewTrendsPublishing.com.)

Next thing you know, vegans will be cutting out sex altogether, which, come to think of it, wouldn't be much of a stretch. And that's what I think this story is REALLY about. It's not so much that vegans don't want to have sex with meat-eaters - it's that they can't handle being partnered up with someone who actually has a sex drive.

The average vegan doesn't "get it on" nearly as much as we hearty meat-eaters. How would I know such a thing? Because their diet is lacking in zinc, a key nutrient necessary for the production of what makes you want to get it on in the first place (testosterone, of course). They'll deny it to their dying day, but that doesn't make it any less true.

Since the very best sources of zinc are meat, dairy, and shellfish, it's easy to see why a vegetarian could conveniently be "tired all the time" or have that chronic "headache."

Yes, it's possible to get zinc through non-meat sources like pumpkin seeds and pecans, but why would you want to? Besides, sources like these don't even have enough zinc to reach the USDA's recommended daily allowance of the nutrient, which, at 11mg/day, is far too low to begin with.

But even as a proud meat-eater, don't think you're in the clear - because if you're not careful, you could find yourself in the same libidoless boat.

Making sure you have enough zinc to liven your libido requires more than loading up on sources that are high in the nutrient. You could load up on zinc til it's oozing out of your pores, but if you're stuffing your face with foods that are known to deplete your stores, the end result will still be the same.

The main libido leeches are sources like whole grains and beans - a double whammy for vegetarians, since those are staples of their deficient, tasteless diets. A diet low in protein can have the same result as well.

Father Nature never intended for it to be so complicated to eat good food. You shouldn't have to weigh and measure everything you eat, or keep track of how many ounces of THIS gave you however many milligrams of THAT. If I had to do that on a daily basis, my head would explode.

Just stick to a diet loaded with plenty of red meat, eggs, and a few veggies thrown in for variety, and you're bound to get everything you need to be raring-to-go at the drop of a hat. And I've got plenty of personal experience to vouch for it…