Soy ya later!

Soy sales take a nosedive

I'm happy to report a major victory in the war against the insidious soy industry. Research from the acclaimed Mintel group has revealed that sales of foods and beverages containing soy have slowed significantly over the past five years, and could continue to decline through 2012.

It's about time. For years, I've been warning you about the many dangers of this so- called "health food," and busting the myths about soy that are perpetrated by the anti- meat fascists. In case you've just now entered the conversation, I'll sum it up for you: Soy is NOT a health food - in fact, it's so low in nutrients that it shouldn't even be classified as "food."

Worse still, when it's eaten in the quantities the vegetarian thought-police would have you consume it, it's actually incredibly damaging to your health. Numerous studies have linked soy protein to deadly maladies like heart disease, cancer (especially breast cancer), reduced immunity, thyroid dysfunction, calcium deficits, reproductive disorders, mental decline … do I really need to go on? Or should I just have stopped at heart disease and breast cancer?

Needless to say, the decline in sales has put the soy business in a cold panic, as Mintel's report showed that many American consumers have never even considered purchasing soy products.

And for those that do, what keeps so many from going back for seconds? The taste. Thankfully, soy's vile taste is what's kept this nasty bean derivative from being adopted wholesale by the food-loving American populace. The report states that 41 percent of consumers say they simply don't like the way soy products taste. A further 27 percent of non-soy users polled say they prefer the REAL versions of the food that soy is meant to replace - milk, meat and cheese. The Mintel report says these folks considered soy "an inadequate replacement" for these foods, which is a polite way of saying what the first 41 percent of people said: Soy tastes like crap.

Another hit on soy is its price. The Mintel report said that the expense of soy products is, in marketing speak, "a barrier to market penetration." Once again, where common sense fails, good old Yankee thriftiness triumphs. The average American (from whom the vegan zealots proudly separate themselves) will never pay a premium for awful-tasting food, regardless of whether or not it's good for you.

Are you loving this as much as I am? In spite of years of having pro-soy propaganda shouted from nearly every health food stall, the sinister soybean can't overcome its bad taste - or its price.

This report is hugely encouraging to me, but soy, like any other big business, won't give up without a fight. The report suggested other ways that soy can try to infiltrate the American menu. Once again, these were tied to the creation of products celebrating the (false) health claims of soy, like "better-for-you" afternoon snacks. The fact that the American Heart Association has RETRACTED all the heart-health claims that were previously linked to soy products seems to matter little to the marketers.

And Mintel was more than happy to suggest other possible untapped consumers upon whom to foist the Great Soy Lie, notably Hispanic and African-American segments of the population. (Nice, huh? They target lower-income families in need of meat substitutes to stretch their grocery dollar - there's a reason I've been calling these people "insidious.")

For now, I'll take any victory I can. But I'll keep on spreading the anti-soy gospel until they're down and out for good.

Drink 2 glasses of wine and call me in the morning

You may have a hard time getting a doctor to write a prescription for a winery tour of Tuscany, but this is yet another case of simple pleasures that have measurable health benefits.

A new study from Spain's University of Barcelona (unsurprisingly, a part of the world that's well acquainted with good wine and sunny days) reveals that women who drink two glasses of red or white wine per day could significantly increase their level of HDL cholesterol (that's the good kind), as well as their overall heart health.

Another report published in the same medical journal showed that women with increased levels of vitamin D - made naturally by human skin when it's exposed to daylight - had longer telomeres (portions of the DNA that correspond to aging).

Now this is the kind of medical advice I can stand behind: Slow down, relax … you'll live longer. It's a cliché as old as that old saw about an apple a day. But it's also just as true. And sitting down for an hour to have a couple of drinks in the sun sounds like the kind of health regimen anyone would love to follow.